but im sick of myself when i look at you

wow

2008-02-25T06:04:00Z

i think ive lost a lot of respect for some people.

eh, oh well, carry on.

happy birthday, lorz. ive known you for like, almost two years, right?
well, in any case, LOVE YOUZ. xoxoxo.

to find you in the bedroom not breathing at all

2008-02-18T08:25:58Z

i feel as if all the drama surrounds me when he is around. i find things that i would rather be oblivious about, but im so pushy that i have to know exactly whats going on. i hurt myself. emotionally, of course. its just so hard. i cant trust him. ever since hollie...im so paranoid. i shouldnt have to be with a relationship. but hes who i know. the way he feels about someone else, is exactly how i feel about him. i dont like it when he plays dumb. or tries to reel me back in with the "L" word. sometimes i want to ask him, "do you REALLY?" because sometimes i dont buy it. i think i ended it the other night by emailing him. i quote, "i dont want to talk to you anymore for the time being. obviously you dont know what you want. youre screwing me over...again. stop lying to me." i think its short and to the point. i didnt ezplain because i wanted him to KNOW what i was talking about. he HAS to know what hes been doing wrong. he responded the next day of course, wanting to know, "what the fuck what is this about?". didnt reply. i think that was a better choice. got another email today, entitled, "im serious"...while the inside read, "i love you. email me." i DONT WANT TO. but i did, probably for the worse of my judgement. again, i was short and to the point again. "do you really? because if i wasnt mistaken, your elite skills bullshit says otherwise." elite skills being the website/poetry/blogging website that hes had forever. found it through his yahoo profile. just wanted to read some poetry, but ended up with more than i bargained for, sadly. it made me completely upset at the moment i read the first entry. i knew he wasnt talking about me. he was talking about katie...once again.... because he STILL LOVES HER.

i have a right to be upset.

and i DO think its best we not talk to each other for the time being.

im still sad. because i keep reading the entries over and over and over. none of it is about me. though he tells me all the time that he loves me. bullshit. he loves someone else that doesnt love him. sounds like im in the same predicament.

dammit.

i freaking hate this.

i try to surround myself with good, decent people. not only do i want to take my mind off of things, but i want to branch out and start dating to see if this so called love goes away. doubt it will happen for...i dont know... a while.

the fact that i see others right in my own home snuggling and canoodling doesnt help me...but i cant help that the world goes on whether or not im hurt. [lame.]

im starting to lose hope in him. this is probably the last straw ever.

basically

2008-01-14T05:44:37Z

im tired of being first in line to be last.

im tired of being protected from crap that i should know...

im tired of being second rated. second best.

i just want to love and be loved.

im just a rebound.

2008-01-13T09:50:43Z

all i can say is... i loved katie... i was happy with her, she made me happy (not that you dont, i know youre going to take half of this the wrong way, please dont, and dont try to twist these words agaisnt me) but all i have of her are fond memories. i feel she completed me and to lose her so suddenly just really hit me hard, especially without so much as an explanation. but when i found you were willing to accept me back i thought i had to hurry up and have you before you changed your mind as i knew you would probably find someone better.

liar liar

2007-05-30T22:28:06Z

Um, Hi. It is 84 degrees here in Seattle. Im basically dying. Basically. Seattle usually doesnt have this high of heat, but whatev. Ill get through it I hope, haha.

So, a lot has happened since my last posting.

The whole Travis escapade.

The whole Sex escapade.

The whole Heather not doing so hot in college escapade.

Sigh. Beggars cant be choosers.
I think I have just gotten really lazy lately.
Especially this year, because I felt that I could skip school whenever I wanted without any penalty. HA! Ive really got to get my ass in gear for this summer because Im taking summer classes. Thats IF I can get off of Academic Probation this quarter.

My new dorm is going to actually be ON campus as well[Haggett 666]...so I dont have to walk uphill and be unmotivated to go. Ill be right there. Next to my main buildings. Art and Music. (: Skylar and Andrew Kyllo are coming up to the U, so I was pretty excited about that. They'll be living in the same building as myself so Ill be able to stop by anytime.

I miss Senior year though. I miss having mediocre classes that all you had to do was turn in homework and youre good. I miss teachers that would be leniant. Blah. College=HATE. Especially here at UW. Everyone thinks theyre better than you. Smarter because they are in Medical schooling or some crap like that. I rarely ever see Lindsey anymore. And Brad...I havent seen him since Winter Quarter. When we came here, we promised we would never drift too far because we were all best friends. I went to Prom with Brad, and now I dont talk to him. Times have changed and Im scared. Its too much sometimes. Jaimie and I arent the best of friends anymore. She never responds to my texts. Im completely heartbroken with my friend situation.

Except for the whole, Kevin/Karin/Matthew/Loren thing. Ive made some wonderful new friends and I value each one of them a lot. I am thankful I have them here even if I havent met two of them.

Well. Im just about done.

I went to the MCR concert on May 21st, though. It was pretty amazing to take my little sister Courtney [13] to her first concert. Especially with her favorite band. I seriously held on to her and shoved our way up to the stage. Stepped on people's feet. Got yelled at like so, "STOP ******* PUSHING!" Well what the hell do you expect at a rock concert, people? Seriously. It pissed me off. Got called countless names ie; fatass, bitch, whore, fatty. Ugh. Cant they get some new material? Anyways, besides that crap, I had a good time and I think Courtney did too. My mom, dad, and brother came too, but Courtney and I split away from them to do our own thing. Obviously, Courtney is my favorite sibling- even though I shouldnt play favorites. :X

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO yeah. Thats about it. I hope everyone is getting out of school soon! SUMMER! A while I love Autumn/Winter better, Summer always gives me a chance to start over with school/life. Last week of classes this week! Im stoked. Finals week is next week...blech. And on June 6th, my summer begins. On June 19th, it ends. And again on August 19th, it begins again! Haha, screwy Summer classes. (:

Have a wonderful week!

-Heather

Its a new day.

2007-03-26T17:54:18Z

Today was the start of Spring Quarter.
I already had my English 131: Exposition class, and so
far so good. I have a feeling I will like this class
and that I will do well because my professor is pretty
much really cool. I only have one other class today and
its Sociology. Not ready for that one. I need to contact
Ashley to see if I can have her book from last quarter.
That would be amazing, if so. But yeah.
Anyways.
I failed 2 classes last quarter. Im not too happy
about that...but I guess its what I get for not going to
class like I should have. I passed Ethics though. That was
my goal. It seems that I do better in classes that I hate
rather than the classes I enjoyed. :/ My mom was a little
disappointed but I was too. Im disappointed in myself for
being a slacker. Something I never wanted to be.

So yeah.
I went to Eastern last week and had an amazing time with
Jared and Dylan. And friends. (: I met a couple of really
cool people...and a couple of not so cool people. The
plane ride there was really turbulent. Way worse than when
we went to DC. AND I got searched. Like, I was the random
selectee. I was quite mortified. The lady all was feeling
underneath my boobs and stuff- I almost wanted to cryyyyy.
Just kidding. I didnt. It was fine. I wasnt late to my flight
so I was chill. (:

I felt like updating this dudette because it was the start
of a new quarter. Though I really have nothing else to say,
I would like to part with a few more final words.

I love you all.

:D

-heath

I DONT LOVE YOU.

2007-03-08T08:13:04Z

things are going semi-okay.
i mean, sure...im not doing so hot in
school but i guess thats my fault
for skipping so much. i just dont feel
up to going. ive actually been quite
depressed lately and have been visiting
a therapist in kent on tuesdays...but i
just find it weird that here i am, wanting
to be a psychologist that helps others,
cant even help myself. and i know that
helping yourself is the hardest thing to
do in life, but im just so exhausted.
im tired all the time. im not motivated
to do anything, but i know i shouldnt be.
i should be happy and carefree. but its
not like that. im losing my friends. im
hurting everyone around me...but its like...
i dont feel bad. at least yet. of course i
will feel bad when i feel the after-shocks
but i dont now. oh well i guess.
i talked to _________ today and asked him/her
about travis. like, what he was like before
i met him and if he has ever been a cheater
or whatnot. ________ put it this way: he
wants his cake [main female] AND his
ice cream [side female]. apparently, _________
didnt know that we were dating and that
travis was going through women left and right.
correct me if im wrong...but travis and i
had been dating since november of 2005.
now- if he was going through women
left and right-- WHERE THE HECK WAS I?
i was slightly pissed off, but i cooled
down and finally responded to _________
thanking him/her that i value his/her detailed
response and that i am grateful to hear
his/her opinions. i cried for a little bit
but i called matt and he calmed me down
reassuring the fact that travis is just
another douche bag that infects the world
with his douche bag ways. im not going to lie
though. i loved travis. more than anything in
this world... i just wish he would have been
real with me from the beginning. im a sucker
and i should have realized it, darnit.

anyways. besides that stuff, i guess
things are good. i mean, those are pretty much
the biggest problems i am faced with. i will
get through them though. im strong like that.

the big band dance was amazing. courtney, jenny,
and i hung out most of the time. i definately
had a blast. brad and his gf were there. and
i happened to see matt padilla and his girlfriend
megan waldroop. slightly awkward.

eric visited me, linds, and brad last friday, too.
he was here for his uw auditions for band.
he seemed to quite like the campus and he
even came to my psychology class with me to
get the feel of a big lecture hall. he said he
really liked it which makes me happy. i hope
that he doesnt choose any private school. i dont
think he would do well there. hes just not the
private school type, i guess. he needs freedom-
especially from his overbearing parents.

uhh...i talked to one of my old, old, old best
friends from junior high today, too. her name is
joyce and she is american samoan. i met her in 7th
grade. she was probably the biggest influence in
my life during junior high. and then i moved away
and totally lost her email- so im quite happy
with tom and his myspace today. (:

kevin and i met up and ate lunch at burgermaster
in the u-village today! we had tons of fun as usual.
that kid makes me laugh and can turn my
bad mood to a good one very easily. i enjoy my time
bonding with him and i hope he enjoys my company as
well.

well, i guess i have written enough. i just thought
i would update lj because i havent really given it
my all lately. so thanks for reading.

-h

im watching halloween... the original...

2007-02-27T21:46:48Z

and its actually quite scary because im sitting here alone.

i think i had the morning flu this morning so i didnt go
to any of my classes. i went to by george and ate, but had a
massive headache so i just came back to the dorms.
then came to the lounge room to proceed to get online and
watch halloween on fuse.

jamie lee curtis is a hoot.
HURRY LITTLE KID! OPEN THE DOOR! HURRY!
AHAHHAHAHAHAH.

this is great.

anyways.

i hope you all have a fabulous day.

-heather

can i crash at your place?

2007-02-23T06:16:56Z

lately, ive been putting on a show for people.
im down in the dumps. seriously.
it probably does seem that way, but i would like to first
invite you to my world to experience it, and then you can
judge.
i dont know. im not searching for comments
but it seems like my friends are peeling away from me
one by one by one. they dont really talk to me anymore even
if i am the one to send them a message or comment
on myspace. it bugs me. here it is, february of 2007...
8 months since we've all graduated and then
shoved our bodies into college. its insane. i miss everyone.
badly. and i know that some of may not get along now
because tempers flared there at the end, but
i dont like listing my friends but then not knowing
the last time i talked to them face to face/phone call to
phone call. harsh.

that and my self esteem has gone to some serious crap.
i dont allow matthew to even tell me im cute.
it bothers me. i have my ups and downs but this
definately is one of the those DOWNDOWN moments.
itll pass but with time.

im starting to open up with the whole dating thing
ever since the travis thing blew over. i mean like,
i dont go searching for boys. right now- i just dont care.
sure, there are those moments when i want someone to
be sweet with but other than that, i just want to have
fun. and i think that until next year, im going
to put other priorities in front of the boy thing.
sure, there are people i have crushes on. sure, there
is a special boy in iowa that has somehow mananged
to be super loving towards a girl he's never met
in person. but then again, all of my guy friends
are special boys to me. whatever. stupid boys.
you are all confusing as heyll.

aha jon gave me the paris hilton cd today. its not as
bad as i thought. (:

anyways. im going to go do some more stuff online before
going back to my room. my dormate and her twin brother
are in there...so im trying to fill as much time as possible.

wootage.

and remember kids: you are so not punk rock.

love, heather

im just a click away.

2007-02-21T00:33:09Z

i had a blast today. with kevin.
he met up with me today when i was supposed to be
going to ethics. and then we went to aurora to have
mcdonalds because thats the only one he knew the whereabouts
of. crazy kid. and... we then took a drive throughout
u-village and stuff. went and looked at the expensive houses on the waterfront.
got out at this little, tiny public access beach thing.
sucked but it was kinda cool.
im glad that ive been able to spend time with him.
hes such a good friend and he doesnt
deserve all the crap hes gone through. i feel bad though
because i kinda deserted lindsey for lunch... but i know she understands.

anyways.

just thought i would let you know what i did
today. and it was amazing, i must say.

love.

im going to just go ahead and scream it.

2007-02-12T23:13:16Z

i want an actual valentines day date.

like, FOR REAL.

no out of state stuff.

please. no more. im giving myself a slight
break from out of state stuff.

i need someone who i can laugh and joke with...
but also have a nice meaningful talk.

make heather happy.

thats all i ask for this valentines day.

adieu.

happy vs. sad points of the day

2007-01-31T10:06:22Z

matt is flying up here this summer.

[+1]

he clarified that we are in an open
relationship

[+1]

i bombed math exam 1

[-1]

ate ice cream

[+1]

slept through matt's 3 calls
and text messages

[-1]

thought about death

[-1]

rounding out the day:

BIG, FAT ZERO.

i need pills.
goodnight.

oh the webs we weave.

2007-01-29T21:05:04Z

god im so tired.
and i left my dorm keys at home
so i cant get into my dorm.
frick im so stupid. i dont
know how they ARENT in my backpack.
i guess i must have misplaced them
when i was packing my stuff last night.
ugh.

so- lindsey and i met up with ashley
today. it was rather, amusing i must say.
i ate a huuuuuuuuuuge burrito at chipotle
and then we waddled over to the hub
and got ice cream.

im so full. its horrible.
ive actually been feeling rather
down lately, self esteem wise.
i feel that im not pretty and i
will never find a boyfriend... even though
matt has already claimed that "im hot and he'd
tap". but he lives in iowa and im not
putting myself through another long distance
relationship. im taking it slow this time.
him and i are just friends. at least for now.
i guess im sad that i cant find
anyone close that would be willing to just
date for awhile. it doesnt have to be anything
serious- maybe just a kiss here or there and
the holding of hands. maybe some late night movies
at each others places and deep, thoughtful con-
versations. i dunno. nobody wants me.
thats it. i should probably get my
health plan back in order and start taking
my antidepressants/thyroid/vitamins again.
i really need to stop worrying what
other people think but its so hard not to.

i felt like a major bummer the other day
when kevin and i met up. i was kinda boring and
a little tired... though i tried my best to
be cool. [i wasnt]. i hope he doesnt think
im some lunatic from outer space that just
tips cows in my spare time. (:

i think im due for a longggg sleep tonight.
i need to get back on track with that too.
even though talking with matt until the wee hours
of the morning is fun, i need to just say no
sometimes.

umm. so brad has been all... not talking to
me and linds. well, pretty much anyone.
ive given up on him, really. im not going
to make effort to hang out with someone
that in the end wants to blow me off for
his girlfriend who has replaced me on myspace.
i think thats sooooo freaking retarded. its
bros before hoes and everyone knows it, BUT him.

i was thinking about getting an apartment next
school year here in seattle. i dont feel comfortable
with having to be 5 feet away from a stranger that
doesnt go to sleep until 4 in the morning. im
going insane with her. she doesnt clean anything and
just leaves her bed a mess. gross.

plus i think there are a few kids who have
been thinking of moving here and so it might
be nice to have my friends there for those
times i need an upper. if any of you are interested,
let me know!

yeahhhh. i think thats about it.
shoot me now.

ps. im still going to eastern at the end of february
to visit my darling boys and girl. <8

like a bullet through a flock of doves.

2007-01-24T19:26:05Z

so yesterday morning i woke up with
a pulsating headache and a sore throat.
by the end of the day, i was sitting by the
public toilet in the dorm trying to make
myself throw up because my stomache
was turning so bad. i think this morning
im better- all the symptoms of the flu
are gone except for that headache. i dont
like taking tylenol knowing that in a few
hours the headache will be gone anyways,
so im just waiting it out.

anyways.

boys problems.
travis and i are honestly over.
its one of the saddest
things i have ever had to do.
but it needed to be done.
i cant prolong waiting for him when
he isnt going to even try. i told him
it takes two to tango. part of me is
excited that i get to be single again
and date whomever i like, but the thing
is, is that im not naturally like that.
i get into relationships for the long haul.
i dont like measley little boyfriend and girlfriend
holding hands type of stuff. i like the
passion, love, devotion, trust, happiness,
laughter. i sometimes cry at odd places in
the day. yesterday i woke up from a nap
at around 6pm and just burst into tears.
i wanted him to be it. i really did. he was
perfect until you factored in that he was
lazy about it. i dont think it was the distance
factor- i worked through that bit. im
a strong girl. i just- i wish it were easier.
he was my first REAL love. its true. i loved
him. and i still love him, but maybe not
in the same way. i dont think i will ever find
anyone that connects to my soul as he did.
most people would be like "OH HEATHER, YOURE
18, YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU. THINK
ABOUT SCHOOL." i do think about school... i want
to be able to find that one person through these
four years and be able to graduate with him in
my grasp. whatever. i told dylan im going to turn
into a cat lady.

what really bothers me:
people judge me because im not a virgin.
ill say that again for all of you:
IM NOT A VIRGIN. theres a story behind it
that no one dares to ask. thats why i always avoid
that question on the myspace surveys. long story
short, junior year in high school, i had a boyfriend
named jon. jonathan michael legend. yeah, sure,
he was an emo kid. so what? anyways, i went to a
halloween party with him where his friends got me
to drink too much [and slipped some kind of rape drug
into my drink] thus making me pass out. i woke
up with him next to me in his friends bed. declothed,
sweaty, and a terrible pain from my lower
body. i was raped. by my own boyfriend who i told no
in the first place. cmon... i was still only 16.
okay? so now you all know. i wont post this on myspace
WHATSOEVER. if you all want to be gossip queens, just
do it and tell everyone. i really dont care.
no- i didnt have sex, i was raped. sure i still talk
to jon. he asked me to marry him once too. but im too
young to get married like that. not to someone who
cant respect me. jaimie doesnt even know about this.
id like it if you all DIDNT tell her. she would
be so upset and angry. i will tell her myself eventually
when the time is right.

so thats the story. the story that will allow
people to judge me because of my past experiences.

im going to go sleep now i think.
i bid you all a wonderful afternoon.

love.

hello.

2007-01-04T18:05:47Z

last time i was on here, it was in november right before things got really hectic.
i have had troubles with school and at home... but i got through them.
i passed my first quarter of college. barely.
i am sitting here waiting for my environmental ethics class to start
at 10:30. i got into that class this morning at 1 am because someone
dropped out. thankfully. i really needed to get out of that studies
in film class because it was all about technology in movies... like
the terminator and the matrix. im not too fond of technology and there
was nothing but movie freaks in that place. plus you would have to do half
an hour presentations on a 30 second movie clip. and it had to be in one
of the proposed videos. how lame. so i got out of that and now i have class with
lindsey. (:(: its better because i get out at 2:20 instead of 4:20. yay.

anyways,
i am beginning to already feel the effects of college ripping me apart from my friends.
dylan seemed really sad in his post last night and jared has been a little mopey lately.
im glad i got to spend new years with them but i just wish there was more time.
school is taking a lot of energy already, though i am excited about this quarters
classes more than last.

im getting sick. like, i have an upset stomache and a headache. my throat is a little
sore. last night was my first night in a dorm room WITH a dormate. it was a little odd
because shes like...quiet. and doesnt really talk to me about stuff. i just mind my own
business and do whatever. hopefully this isnt a bad quarter because of her. LOL my mom
text messaged me last night and was like, "IS SHE A QUIET BI*CH OR IS SHE JUST QUIET?" i
think i almost spit out my water when i got it.

i had dinner with brad last night. it was...awkward. we were talking and walking the news.
they had set the tv's with subcaptions and like, the person who was typing it all, really
sucked. there was one report about a 9614 year old woman. HAH. and makers was makkesers.
WHAT THE HECK? haha. it was funny though.

i finally wrote travis a letter about how i felt. pretty much i feel like i am the only one
giving the relationship any kind of effort because he's never there/here. i hope
he understands that i truly find him embedded in my heart. sigh. love is so complicated.

anyways. i hope you all are doing well- not that many people will read this.

loveee.

here i am, once again.

2006-11-14T20:49:54Z

skipping math.

but this time, its with lindsey.
we didnt feel like going because
math is too pointless, considering
we recieved almost 100's on our
midterms.

we have our lab today... we're
feeding oysters. our san juan's
trip is this saturday. im excited
for it, yet at the same time, i
just want to stay home and sleep.

friday night i went dancing
with ashley and then we partied
up a storm at javier's and walter's
apartment. i had fun even though
there was this 16 year old drunk
kid asking me "YA GOT IT?" every 2
seconds. whatever. ashley says he
wanted my "nuts". haha. good times.

anyways, i havent been on here in
awhile. i felt i needed to update.
i hope everyone is having a good
week. kinda cold- so stay warm.

my brother's 15th birthday is this
weekend, in which case i am
sadly missing.
im going to the atreyu, chiodos,
from first to last, and everytime
i die concert tonight... sweeeet.

yeah. how is school going for everyone
else? dandy? i hope so!!

dylan, youd better be coming to the u.
i will cut off your balls if you dont.
(:

well, talk to you all later!

no subject.

2006-10-10T19:47:32Z

im skipping math class right now.
lindsey and i decided that we would
alternate skipping class every tuesday
so one of us would get the notes, and
one of us would make it to lab on time.

yeahhh.

kevin...LUNCH. SOON.

kristina... i cant wait until friday.

blahh.

i still feel really really sick.

last night, ashley and i laughed our
butts off... you all need to watch the movie
casanova. HILARIOUS.

k. lab work.

byes

CAN YOU BELIEVE...

2006-09-18T07:43:08Z

THAT, ME, OF ALL PEOPLE, GOT THIS PIERCED?!?!?!?!?

JARED TAGGED ME. GRR.

2006-09-06T06:08:36Z

Each player must state six weird things/habits about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things/habits as well as state the rules clearly. At the end you choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names.

1. I always have a song stuck in my head.

2. When I am bored out of my mind, I start cleaning my room.

3. Every few hours, I think about what my friends are doing at that current moment... just because I miss them.

4. I have to take a shower before 3 pm otherwise I get really sleepy and go back to bed.

5. I hate talking on the phone. (Ditto, Jared)

6. I have an un-regulated mind. One minute I can be sad about some random thing, the next I will be as happy as a clown. Trust me. Im not bi-polar, I just have a lot of issues.

AND TAG...
LOREN, DEE DEE, AMANDA,
ADAM, JORDAN, AND KEVIN.
YOU MUST DO THIS, OR DIE.

fixation on the darkness.

2006-08-26T07:51:37Z

september 18th, everyone.

the most anticipated day in history.

<3

diagnostics say: she's dead.

2006-08-25T01:04:40Z

i give up. i do. i really, really, reallyreallyreally do.

i dont want to play this game anymore.

i dont want to.

please dont make me.

i only want to sleep now.

sweet sweet sleep.

forever.

and ever.

and a few more evers.

everything has died.

ive died.

my emotions are cut, ripped out, and burned.

please dont mess with them anymore.

i am only begging you. all of you.

i cant go on any longer.

im only dragging my feet deeper and deeper.

please. please oh jesus.

im dying.

take these, misunderstandings...

2006-08-05T02:38:58Z

well... life is life.
im on one of those emotional
rollercoasters that i cant seem
to balance. i honestly have given
up to each and every thing
in my life.

three days ago- i got rear-ended.
wasnt my fault, but still.
my neck and back are still
a little tense and i wont let
my aunt (who is a licensed
massage therapist)...nor anyone else
touch it.

my orientation and first day
of training were kind of lame.
a lot of paperwork
and a lot of videos on
safety. i finally get to go
out on the floor tomorrow.
but even then i am supervised.

UW orientation is soon.
yay. college.

i havent heard anything from
TIB in a long time. im worried.

eric kinda made me mad/sad
the other day at the car wash.
i went to give him a hug
because he didnt come to my bday
party so i hadnt seen him in a long time...
and he just pushed me away and
told me no. i was like, "um fine."
so i left. he couldnt have taken
2 seconds to return the hug and
tell me why he couldnt make
it to my bday. whatever.
im not going to try to be someones
friend if they dont even care.

i have obviously become
more bitter since
school ended. im sorry-
i cant help it. i have
also purposely stayed home
and slept just to stay away
from people. i havent returned
peoples phone calls. i havent returned
a lot emails and comments to
people on myspace- for that i am sorry.

my mom is "somewhat" dating.
he works at UPS just as she does...
his name is donovan wicker.
i havent made my final decision
on him- but i cant help but
notice he is too much like
ben. i dont like that.
ben can never ever ever be
replaced. i dunno. i guess its hard
to realize my mom is moving on
from him... and i know its
been almost 4 years since
he committed suicide, but still.
i want to tell her it hurts
too much to see her with
someone other than benjamin.
i guess i shouldnt intervene.
its not my life and whatever
makes her happy, i am fine with.

i had a nightmare last night
and i woke up drenched in sweat
and tangled up in my blankets.
i rarely ever have nightmares.
or even dream. i dont feel
its right to tell you all what it
was about... it might hurt you.
i just have so much on mind. so
much that you all dont know about.
so much i couldnt possibly begin
to explain. my past is deep, dark,
and secret. my past was not happy.
my past is sad and completely
wrong. but here i am now.
halfway between reality and a psychotic
realm. im so crazy. its pathetic.
sometimes i even wonder how
i even came by the one i love.
how does travis put up with me?
well yeah duh, i mean i know i havent
talked to him for a long time but still.
-sigh-

what is wrong with me?
i feel like i am the only
one that is a freak.
yuh know, thats the only reason
i wear make-up. im not
comfortable with myself.
and i probably wont be for the longest
of time. probably until after i am
married with TIB, after college graduation,
after kids...the whole nine yards.

i want to play the drums.
i want to play the bass guitar.
i want to play piano.
i want to sing in a band.
hah, its like...bright eyes all over
again. 'cept, minus the piano.
does bright eyes have piano in any
of their songs? eghhhhhh
im a loser.

ive since resorted to metal.
metalmetalmetal.
//screamo.
//post hardcore.
//hardcore.

so long yellowcard, afi, and matchbook romance,
hello black dahlia murder, chiodos, and killswitch engage.

what is wrong with myspace???!?!?!?
im like, freakingggg outttt mannnnn.

i watched two episodes of jem and the holograms.
boy oh boy that show is
awesome. hhhhhhaaaaaaa :]

I've been hiding in this bed for weeks from this
Throats raw from screaming and I haven't said a word
The sky is calling, and the stars they point to this
To a chair we see your breath in the air, but only for a little while
Your cold pale skin and tainted purple lips
Let me embrace you with this kiss
And together we'll float like angels
Together... together we will float, like, angels
Higher than the heavens the clouds part ways
'Promise me to never look down!' and we'll stay like this forever
If your stomach feels weak then my work here is done
To hide from our twisted ways, I've been hiding in this bed
Been hiding in this bed for weeks

OH EVERLASTING TIME, WHY WONT YOU JUST DIE??

*throws in white towel*

update on life.

2006-07-28T21:55:43Z

- Travis did NOT, I repeat, DID NOT, break up with me. His ex-roomate sent those text messages to me to get back at Travis. I am especially happy to hear this... but I did send a slightly sad/mad message to him on Myspace, so I dont even know if he still considers me his gf. :/ I am going to make sure this relationship works. I love him with all my heart, bones, and soul. He shows me parts of myself that I have never seen until he came into my world. :) I get butterflies just talking to him.

- Today is indeed, my 18th birthday. I feel young, but I know I am growing older by the day. I am half my mother's age. Today is the day that 18 years ago, she had me...at the same age I am turning. Weird to think about it. I dont really think about it as being half her age though.

- Took the computer test at the DOL. 100%... yessssssssssss. The people there are BIG douches though. How come they dont accept school cards? And they wouldnt accept my social security card because I didnt sign it. Ugh. They made me angry.

- Sunday is my birthday party. Anyone that didnt get an invite, well, here is the invite. It is at my house. Swimming involved if it isnt raining like I hear its supposed to. :/ From 2-Whenever. No gifts allowed. So yeah. If you need my address for Mr. Mapquest... its 216 Roy Rd SW in Pacific, WA 98047. KK? k.

- I got a job at Top Foods in Lake Tapps. I am a checker...I start training on the 3rd, but Orientation is the 1st. I already took the stupid and nasty drug test. That was awful... I must say... But yeah. 8 bucks an hour. I need to go get my food handlers, ps. Ghetto.

- I love The Spill Canvas. They are probably one of my favorite bands ever. Ever. Ever.

- My secret is fatally gorgeous... I'd die for you... <3

oh and pps.

2006-07-20T01:10:47Z

travis broke up with me today.

at least, i think it was him.

almost a year of my life wasted.

what a joy and half, huh?

ps.

2006-07-19T01:30:31Z

im banning myself from the internet for 3 days.
so.... tomorrow is day one. and yeah.
i just figured that im going to have 3 productive days
at home where i cleaned and got everything
up to par. the internet just sucks away all
my time and i really dont need to be sitting
on my butt for hours on end when i could be getting
out into the summer sun.
i need to enjoy life before school starts.
anyways.
i hope you all are having fantabulous lives
outside of school.

if any of you want to do something
this week... text me.
cell phone: 2539513090

kk? k.

love you!!

~heather